Just Breathe

I used to think that I was a pretty laid back kind of person.

I’m not. I’m a control freak.

When I was a kid, I could be laid back because I was never in the driver’s seat. I grew up in a big family—I am one of five sisters. Not the oldest. Not the baby. Not the loudest. I pretty much sat back, kept my mouth shut, and followed directions. It made life easier.

Once I went to live on my own, Whoa Nellie. I changed. Or maybe grew into my own personality.

So today, two days before leaving for DC and Nationals, I’m freaking. Travel doesn’t usually freak me out. I’ve done that for work, quite a bit. I really like it. The problem is the control.

It worries me to make my hotel reservations through a third party—RWA—instead of directly with the hotel. Then I buddied up with a chapter mate to room with at conference, and we’re in her room. So I’m a bit freaked about that.

And there is a whirlwind of discussions happening among my chaptermates via email about who’s going where, when, if we’re getting together, how, where, what kind of food, and on and on. And I can’t keep up. I’m not plugged into that email 24/7. I miss things. Lots of things. And I can’t help it. Some of us are on the same flight home. Shall we share a shuttle or cab or something? Maybe. I’m afraid I’ll miss the discussion, and the opportunity. Freaking here.

And text messaging. I don’t do that. I can accept them, sure, for a fee. And I’ve signed up with one e-publisher to receive a text message about the location of their presentation (because it’s not on the official roster of events). Will I end up being charged out the wazoo for text messages this week? Freaking.

And one of my friends is leaving today (this morning, probably). She’s driving. And one of my bags is going with her. Thanks! Yikes! What if it gets forgotten? What if my other bag gets lost in transit? What if they both get lost? I can’t fit a week’s worth of clothes in my carry-on.

Totally freaking OUT.

And I’m stuck at work for two days, attempting productivity. When really, my mind’s on the business cards that I haven’t printed yet, the website that needs finishing (it needs to not read “Enter Sidebar Content Here”, for example..). My MS that needs polishing. The other MS that needs an ending! And I’m pitching them both! Will I remember my power cords (netbook, iPod, CELL PHONE)? Will I forget my airline confirmation number? Will I forget to pack UNDERWEAR? Will my alarm go off at 4:15AM Wednesday so I can get to the airport well in advance of my 6:40 flight? Am I driving to the airport and paying for parking? Requesting that a friend drive me at the ungodly hour of predawn?

Wednesday, about 6:45 AM, central time, I’ll feel better. Because I’ll be enroute, with or without all of my baggage. There won’t be a darned thing I can change at that point about what I forgot or remembered or had time to do.

I like that part of the planning best. The part where my inner control freak has to sit down, shut up, and follow directions.